Walk of Shame Read online

  I hate letting people see me breakdown. I hate showing what Jay does to me. “All I wanted was for a chance to make that change. I thought if I did this . . . that . . . that he would finally just be mine; that he would love me with everything in him just as I have loved him all along. I thought that I could be enough for once.”

  It’s silent for a few seconds before once again, I am pushed up against his truck with his body blocking me in. He wraps his hands in the back of my hair and pulls my face close to his so our lips are almost touching. “If he doesn’t see that you’re enough, then he isn’t fucking worth it. He’s fucking blind. You deserve better.” He pauses and his eyes lock with mine. “Tell me you’re not going back with him.”

  “Yes,” I whisper. “I have to.”

  He presses his body against mine and his arms flex as his grip on my hair tightens. “No you don’t. Fuck him. He doesn’t deserve you. You deserve someone better than him . . . better than the both of us, but I’m fucking stingy.”

  He runs his hands through my hair and brushes his lips against mine. “Stay here, Aspen.” His breath softly caresses my lips as his breathing picks up. “Don’t leave with him. Let me give you a reason to stay.”

  I sigh against his lips, fighting myself. “It’s not that easy. I can’t just throw five years away. We have a lot of history. We live together. He was my first. I can’t just walk away.”

  “How do you feel about me,” he growls.

  “It was fun, Slade,” I manage to whisper.

  Pushing me harder against his truck, he leans into my ear. “That wasn’t the fucking question. Fuck!”

  Feeling trapped, I slap him across the face. I don’t know why. I’m just so fucking scared to answer this question; scared of knowing the answer. He always finds a way to push me.

  “You like that? Did it fucking feel good?” He presses his erection against me, causing me to moan against his lips. “Harder, dammit.”

  Completely lost in the moment, I slap him as hard as I can across the face. It feels good to let my frustration out. Not to mention the fact that his dick flexes from my hit. This man turns me on like no other man can. I’m completely breathless; lost to him.

  Without even giving me a second to register his reaction, he picks me up and wraps my legs around his waist. “Here is your reason to stay.”

  His hand works fast to pull out his erection before he slips my panties to the side and pushes himself deep inside me. He stops for a moment before rocking his hips back and forth and slamming his lips against mine. My legs tighten around him as my whole body shakes from the feel of him filling me; stretching me.

  “Let me make you feel this way every day.” He pushes in deeper before slowly pulling it out and lifting my hands above my head. I’m so turned on right now that I could care less if someone catches us. “Does he makes you feel this way? Does he fuck you as good as I do?”

  I shake my head, but don’t answer him. I can’t. I can’t speak.

  “Say it. I want to hear you fucking say it.” He leans in against my mouth while rolling his hips in and out, giving me pleasure so intense I feel as if I can’t even breathe. I’m overwhelmed by this man; completely stunned. “Say it, babe.”

  “No,” I moan out as he lifts me with his hips and starts moving a little faster. Our bodies are so close that there is no space between us. We’re both desperate for this moment; our last. “No one has.” I lean my head over his shoulder and dig my nails into his back as he works his hips on me.

  “Then stay,” he whispers. “Give me a chance to change.”

  I shake my head, but he presses his lips against mine, claiming my mouth with his. Once again, this man completely owns me. At this moment, I am almost willing to give him everything; not just my body, but my heart.

  With one arm wrapped behind my head, he grips my hip with the other while fucking me hard; rolling his hips and slamming hard into me. He can’t handle taking it slow at the moment and to be honest, neither can I.

  “Slade,” I moan out, as my body bounces with each thrust of his strong hips. “Fuck . . .” I grip his hair in my hands and scream out as I feel my orgasm building. The consistent thrusts of his hips and the way he pushes me against the truck with each deep shove, has me ready to explode. “I’m about to come . . . oh shit.” I feel myself clamp around his dick and this only causes his movement to pick up.

  I can feel the truck start to move from behind me as he puts all of his anger and frustration into fucking me. His grip on my neck tightens before he moans out and I feel his dick throb as he releases himself inside me. Breathing heavily, we both relax into each other with our eyes locked. I can’t turn away from the beauty of this man in front of me; I don’t want to.

  Shit. Why does having him cum inside me turn me on and make me want him even more? I’m so confused.

  It’s silent with him still inside me as he leans in once more and presses his lips to mine. They’re soft and sweet, making me want more of them. I always want more. He’s like an addiction. Everything about him just calls out for me; my body needing him to survive. He’s an addiction I’ll have to break. I have no choice. Too bad, I know guys like him will never change. Jay didn’t. I won’t start over with another man that’s just like Jay.

  When he pulls away from the kiss, he looks me in the eyes and sighs. He can see my guilt written all over me. He could probably even taste it in our kiss. “You’re still leaving, aren’t you?”

  I nod and turn my head away. I can’t do this right now.

  “Fucking shit.”

  He pulls out of me and gently sets me back down to my feet while pulling his jeans back up. “I don’t blame you for not trusting me,” he says stiffly. “I don’t even trust myself. I don’t know how the fuck I feel. All I know is that with you . . . I feel something and I don’t want to give that up.” He looks away before opening the door for me to get in. “I guess I’ll have to. Me wanting to change isn’t good enough and I fucking get that, but I can’t make any promises. I won’t make one that I know I can’t keep.”

  I feel a burning sensation in my chest and it becomes hard to breathe. It’s taking everything in me not to cry right now. As wrong as it was, we both needed that one last time. It’s unfortunate that it felt even better than the last two. I will forever be fucked after leaving here. Slade isn’t someone you can easily forget about. I already feel that; the pain is too strong to ignore.

  I HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO SLADE since we got back to the house a couple of hours ago. I decided to lock myself up in Cale’s room and hide. I can’t face him at the moment, because seeing him will only make me want to change my mind about going. I can’t stay though. He’ll only hurt me more than Jay has. Jay made a promise to me this time. I have to believe for the sake of our relationship that he means it. I’ve held on for five years, it has to be worth something.

  Right . . .

  I’m sitting here on Cale’s bed with my suitcase next to me, staring up at the ceiling, when my phone goes off. My hand shakes as I go to reach for it because I know my time is up. I’m not ready yet. A big part of me is holding me back and telling me to stay.

  The look in Slade’s eyes was almost enough to convince me he wanted me. I could see the struggle within himself while he was asking me to stay. Asking a girl to stay with him is not something he’s used to. I think we both know that it wouldn’t last. I couldn’t commit myself to the pain of losing a man as great as him. I already feel attached and I barely know him. I can’t even imagine how I could feel in a few months. I would fall hard and fast . . . right on my face.

  I have to go. Home is where I need to be.

  I already know that Jay is outside because I hear a car door slam. He’s most likely opening the trunk for my luggage. I just hope Slade didn’t hear it, because I can’t face seeing the hurt in his eyes. He didn’t speak to me the whole way back to the house. It killed me. I just need to slip out of here unnoticed. I can’t let my heart break anymore tonight.

>   I grab my suitcase, stand up and drag it over to the door. When I open the door, I look around but don’t see Slade anywhere. I should be happy.

  Right?

  I find myself standing here for a moment, not wanting to move. I feel stuck. I allow myself a few moments of pity, suck it up and make my way outside. The first thing I notice is that Slade’s motorcycle is gone. Not sure how I missed him leaving, but he’s gone and the ache in my chest returns. I’ll probably never see him again. The thought kills me.

  Why does it hurt so much? Why do I wish he was here so I could see him one last time?

  Jay stands next to the trunk, but doesn’t make a move to help me as I drag my suitcase across the ground. Usually, this wouldn’t bother me because I’m used to him being this way, but right now, it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. Slade may be all tough and closed off, but he would help me without a second thought. I know that and I love that about him. He’s more than what he shows the world. There’s a really great side to him that I love and want more of.

  Dammit, this is so hard.

  I feel numb and closed off as I step up beside Jay and look at him. I thought I would be happy for this moment . . . but I’m not. I’m fucking miserable right now. Seeing him is doing nothing but making me angry. The feeling of wanting to kiss him has now been replaced with wanting to punch him. Unlike Slade, he wouldn’t get off on it.

  Fucking Slade. Why can’t I stop thinking about him?

  I stop and look around as if I expect Slade to just pull up on his bike, jump off and kiss me; save me from this possible mistake. The thought gives me the ultimate rush like it did when he kissed me in the bar with the assumption that guy was trying to pick me up. I loved that. It made me feel sexy and wanted. Something I’ve never really felt with Jay.

  What the hell is wrong with me?

  “Come on,” he says while looking down at his phone impatiently. “I have to be to work early and it’s a long drive.”

  I let out a soft breath and struggle with tossing my suitcase into the back. He doesn’t even notice. He’s too busy on his damn phone. I really feel a lot of hate for him right now; enough to almost stay.

  I get ready to say something, but he looks up and smiles. It’s the sweet smile that I fell in love with. “Missed you, gorgeous.”

  I feel a little bit of my anger fade, but not enough. “I missed you too,” I say while shutting the trunk and walking over to get inside the car. I feel like shit because to be honest with myself, I don’t mean it; not one bit of me.

  I just hope I’m not making the biggest mistake of my life

  Two weeks later . . .

  IT’S BEEN TWO WEEKS SINCE Aspen left and I still feel like the biggest ass for not fighting harder for her to stay. The one thing that made my life worth a shit I let slip through my fingers. I couldn’t even face her. Instead, I left. I couldn’t stand to stick around while she packed her shit to leave. I fucking left and rode for hours just thinking back on my life and all the fucked up things I have done over the past couple of years. It took her for me to realize that I’m not proud of what I’ve become; not one fucking bit. In the end I may not have her, but she has helped me in more ways than she knows and I will always be thankful for that.

  I owe her a lot for finally waking me up and I still think about taking my ass to Rockford and showing her how much I have changed, but I know it would be pointless. She made up her mind. I don’t blame her for not wanting to give her heart to an asshole like me. I meant what I said when I told her she deserves better than me. We both knew that. That’s why she left. She did what she had to do to protect her heart. She could probably see that things would turn out disastrous. She chose to stay far away from me; choosing to walk away when I couldn’t.

  It’s a Friday night at Walk of Shame and I’m working the bar with Sarah. Hemy and Cale are working on training some new kid, Stone, or some shit. The kid looks like he’s having a fucking blast; probably fresh out of school and dying to get his unexperienced cock wet. He’s like the old version of me: dark, dirty and out for a good fuck. Well, this kid is in for the ride of his life here.

  “You okay, Slade?”

  I lean against the bar next to Sarah and nudge her with my shoulder. “Don’t I look it,” I ask teasingly. “You’ve been asking me that practically every fucking day. You’re starting to sound like a damn broken record.”

  She lets out a little laugh and squeezes my arm. “It’s fucking weird,” she says.

  “What?”

  “Not having you out there. How am I supposed to get used to this shit? You not taking down every woman in your path or slamming back shots and getting naked. It’s a big fucking change. Are you sure you’re okay? Have you talked to-”

  “Don’t even bring her up, Sarah.” I take a deep breath and slowly exhale. “I’m cool, okay. It’s just going to take a little while to get used to the changes. You can’t expect me to do this forever. I just need a change of scenery.”

  She nods as I walk away to help a young woman waving me over with a flirtatious smile. She’s beautiful; long brown hair, big blue eyes and a body you just want to taste and fuck. You would think she would be enough to tempt me back into my old ways, but no. Surprisingly, she does nothing for me. I’m not sure how the fuck to feel about that. All I know . . . is that I’m feeling for the first time in years. It’s a scary feeling, but I think I’m going to go along for the ride; I have to.

  “What can I get you,” I ask while leaning over the bar.

  The brunette looks at me long and hard while eyeing me up and down. She almost looks as if she’s ready to strip down right here and jump my shit. She’s desperate and it’s actually turning me off. I kind of liked having to work for it.

  “Whatever you’re willing to give.” She smiles before leaning in and running her tongue over her lips. “You’re Slade, right? I’ve heard a lot of things about you.”

  I stand here slightly amused, watching as she tries desperately to make herself seem willing and available.

  “I’ve had a rough couple days and am looking for someone to take my mind off things. I’ve heard you’re the man to do the job.” Her eyes rake over my body as she tugs on the top of her dress, exposing more of her firm breasts to me. “I’ve heard you’re the best.”

  Clearing my throat, I turn my head and point across the room to Hemy. I wait for her eyes to follow. “I’m good . . . but go take your offer to my buddy over there. He’ll be sure to fuck you nice and thoroughly. He’ll even throw in a friend to take you up the ass while he’s deep inside you, making you scream.” She looks curious and a little excited. “If you’re looking for a night to remember then Hemy will give you just that. He fucks like a rock star and he’s dirty as shit. He’ll give you anything you want. He holds nothing back in the sack.”

  The brunette looks me up and down before fixing the top of her dress and nodding her head. “He’ll do just fine. It’s a shame you’re not up for the task, though. I had my tastes set on something . . . specific.”

  “It is a fucking shame.” I pour her a shot of Vodka and slide it across the bar. “You’re a little too late, but the shot’s on me, sweetheart.”

  I walk away and take a deep breath; a little pissed at myself for not even being the slightest bit turned on by her offer. A couple weeks ago, I would have taken her right here in front of Sarah and then let Sarah suck her taste off my cock.

  Damn. This girl really did something to me.

  Sarah rushes over to me and shoves my shoulder before slapping me with a towel. “Are you serious? I would have even fucked that one. Are you sure you’re not sick?”

  “Sarah. Leave his ass alone.”

  I look up to see Cale step behind the bar, wiping down his sweaty chest with his shirt.

  “How’s the new kid doing?”

  Cale smirks while grabbing for a bottle of water. “I’m almost positive you two fuckers are related.” He opens the water and pours some over his face. “Are you sure Stone
isn’t your long lost fucking brother? He’s a slightly smaller version of you, but with shorter hair and less tattoos. It’s a little fucking scary. It’s a lot like what you looked like when you were a suit.”

  “Good. Then he can make up for your slack like I did.”

  Cale punches my arm before pouring the rest of the water over his head. “She’s still eating at you, isn’t she?”

  I ignore his question. “Have you heard from her yet?”

  He shakes his head. “Nah, man. I haven’t heard shit.”

  To be honest, I’m still a little pissed off at Cale for not telling me Aspen had a boyfriend the whole time. That asshole knew we were fucking and he couldn’t even warn me? What happened to the bro code? I find that a little fucked up and he knows that.

  “Dude, stop looking at me like that. I told you it wasn’t my place to say shit. They were sort of on a break and plus you usually only fuck them one time and move on. I didn’t know you would fall for her.”

  My jaw clenches from his words. I don’t like hearing that shit out loud. Even though she’s been on my mind constantly since she left, it really pisses me off that she has this effect on me. “Yeah, well neither did I.”

  “Sorry, man.” Cale slaps my shoulder and starts backing away. “I’m sure she’ll come back as soon as that asshole hurts her again.”

  The thought of that asshole even touching her makes me want to rip his fucking throat out. The thought of him hurting her, makes me want to kill him. She deserves to be treated like a fucking queen. She deserves to know that she’s wanted. That’s why I didn’t fight harder for her to stay. I was afraid I would never be able to give her that.

  Seeing the person that I’ve become, I have begun to believe that maybe I could have been what she needs after all. Maybe a part of me knew and I was afraid I would fall too far and then fuck up and she would leave me. If she were here now, I know I would do everything in my power to make her mine. She makes me want to be a better man; makes me want to be the old me.